Allow me to introduce myself....

Are you a high school grad that has been spurned by the male sex on every occasion you can ever think of? Have you ever read Twilight and cried because you realized no human man could ever be like that? Have your dreams of becoming a wife and mother been smoldered into dust? Well you are not alone. I am by no means a feminist, but I do believe that women are the superior sex. Granted, there are some of us out there that you just wish would throw on a bra and duct tape their mouths shut, but we can't all be astronaut Barbie. Some of us have to be push the button and say only three phrases Barbie. Complete with matching accessories! However, it is unfortunate how many of us end up becoming total slut Barbie, whose underwear is not included. Why do we end up like this in the first place?

Boys.

They're stupid, and yet they're everywhere. To a college boy a girl is just one of thousands of giggling, beer chugging bimbos that litter the campus with their cleavage and butterfly tattoos. College boys don't have girlfriends, they have clientele. All of the female variety. And now with facebook and cell phones it's entirely too easy to keep tabs on an astonishing number of their Victoria's Secret clad regulars. Are we reduced to simply waiting for our turn for a roll in the sac every couple of weeks while he 'tends to other customers' in the meantime? Whatever happened to going steady? Or better yet, finding your spouse in college? Does anyone even do that anymore? Has college turned into some perverse polyandric playground? Well that's what I'm here to tell you. It has become more and more apparent to me that the college male is completely and utterly undateable, and I'm going to do my darndest to tell you why.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

You Might Be a Douschebag If....

If you talk to the same girl all night at a party while texting all of her friends at the same time to see which one is available later, you might be a douschebag.

If all you can EVER talk about is working out at the gym and how huge you are because of it, you might be a douschebag.

If you drink at least four nights a week and complain about how poor you are because you spent all your money on beer, you might be a douschebag. P.S.- buy ramen noodles, not red bull and vodka.

If you walk a girl back to her dorm and stay the night at the one across the hall, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear sunglasses after 6:00pm indoors, you might be a douschebag.

If you sleep with a girl and her roommate is staring wide eyed at the ceiling on the top bunk while you are making bizarre slurping and thumping noises underneath her, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear a shirt with the sleeves purposely cut out, accessorized with a visor- you might be a douschebag.

If the only funny stories you have to tell are about you banging some girl on the picnic table in front of your apartment or stabbing homeless guys with sporks after a huge bender, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear mandals eight months a year, you might be a douschebag.

If you have put sugar in your girlfriend's ex-roommate's gas tank and slashed her tires, you might be a douschebag.

If you have egged the neighborhood surrounding your apartment or pooped on a stranger's doorstep, you might be a douschebag.

If you have called a girl thinking she was someone else and invited her over for sex on your boat and didn't even feel embarrassed about it, you might be a douschebag.

If the above statement has happened to you multiple times, you might be a douschebag.

If more than ten people have seen your bare naked ass, you might be a douschebag.

If you frequently use the words, "dude", "bro", "dawg", and "word" you might be a douschebag. Or a total idiot.

If you think it's fun to stick random objects in the microwave to see what happens to them, including pubic hairs, urine, feces, toothpaste, your roommate's ipod, socks, a bobblehead of your school's mascot, the remote, thirteen pencils, and a can of shaving cream, you might be a douschebag.

I have discovered RIGHT at his moment that there are actually two types of college guys. I have to go for now, but I will post an elaborate sketch of the differences between these two types and why both of them are highly undateable. If this segment gets lots of comments I will post a "You Might Be a Douschebag If Part 2"
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