Allow me to introduce myself....

Are you a high school grad that has been spurned by the male sex on every occasion you can ever think of? Have you ever read Twilight and cried because you realized no human man could ever be like that? Have your dreams of becoming a wife and mother been smoldered into dust? Well you are not alone. I am by no means a feminist, but I do believe that women are the superior sex. Granted, there are some of us out there that you just wish would throw on a bra and duct tape their mouths shut, but we can't all be astronaut Barbie. Some of us have to be push the button and say only three phrases Barbie. Complete with matching accessories! However, it is unfortunate how many of us end up becoming total slut Barbie, whose underwear is not included. Why do we end up like this in the first place?


They're stupid, and yet they're everywhere. To a college boy a girl is just one of thousands of giggling, beer chugging bimbos that litter the campus with their cleavage and butterfly tattoos. College boys don't have girlfriends, they have clientele. All of the female variety. And now with facebook and cell phones it's entirely too easy to keep tabs on an astonishing number of their Victoria's Secret clad regulars. Are we reduced to simply waiting for our turn for a roll in the sac every couple of weeks while he 'tends to other customers' in the meantime? Whatever happened to going steady? Or better yet, finding your spouse in college? Does anyone even do that anymore? Has college turned into some perverse polyandric playground? Well that's what I'm here to tell you. It has become more and more apparent to me that the college male is completely and utterly undateable, and I'm going to do my darndest to tell you why.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

How it Begins


Have you ever noticed the differences between high school boys, college boys, and guys out of college? While only a mere few years apart, there are SUBSTANTIAL distinctions in their attitudes and behaviors. For example:

High school boys have girlfriends. They WANT girlfriends. This is a goal of theirs. All the popular guys have pretty girlfriends (that, let's face it, probably put out) which sets the standard for all the other guys. It seems like everyone in high school wants to be a part of a couple. There's always a beautiful glowing clique of girls and boys like something out of The Hills that all date each other interchangeably while wearing expensive clothes their parents bought them and stashed in their brand new (insert current year here) red Mustang. Clearly, the other high school boys envy this and try to emulate these standards set by the country club elite. In addition to this, there are a multitude of 'couple-themed' functions throughout one's high school career. Sadie Hawkins, Homecoming, Mistletoe, Prom, and any other multitude of dances that basically require female accompaniment. Don't the rules that govern high school social behavior state that if one attends one of these functions solo that they are, in fact, a loser? I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

So, if you are a high school girl who is not a whore, take advantage of this situation- because guys at this stage of the game are looking for one girl that they a) find attractive  b) respect   and   c) genuinely enjoy spending time with to attend said functions with. If you are not a high school girl, like myself, I am very sorry to inform you that you must become a slut to gain any type of male attention from your peers. Unless you wish to date a boy five years your junior. Not ideal, but beggars can't be choosers. You see, somewhere between high school graduation and freshman orientation for college, a shift in attitude occurs in males. Most high school 'power couples' break up during this time (no one marries their high school sweetheart anymore, what is this, 1950?) and boys revert back to a bizarre stage of extreme immaturity. Yes, high school boys were already immature- throwing things at each other in the cafeteria to 'show off' and making general idiots of themselves with random horseplay in the classroom, but they would somewhat conceal this behavior in front of the girlfriend because high school females are much more mature than their male counterparts at this stage of development. At this age we girls tend to think about two out of five acts of immaturity are actually amusing, unless you're the class bimbo that laughs at anything a boy does, like draw a fake mustache on his face in permanent marker during algebra or set his hand on fire with germ-x and extinguish it with a can of pepsi.

However, teenage girls 'love' their boyfriends anyway because, well, who else is there in a school with so little variety? By the time high school ends it doesn't matter anyway, because the relationship is put to an end (by either party) and the ex-boyfriend uses this time to 'find himself'- meaning he REALLY discovers the effects of alcohol and does something illegal at least once a week, which can include but is not limited to: making a homemade explosive and blowing up a dead animal in the woods, stealing orange construction cones at 1:00 in the morning, streaking through the park, purposely setting his bathroom on fire to 'clean it', dressing up like a superhero for no reason, putting cats in random neighbors' mailboxes, seeing how long he can go without brushing his teeth, playing xbox for seventy three consecutive hours, and spending three hundred dollars or more in Spencer's after stealing a lacy thong from Victoria's Secret. And WE are supposed to swoon??

After this vile summer of retardedness, which can range from mild to severe, I'm afraid it doesn't get much better. They say girls go everywhere in packs, and this is true for the most part at the jr. high and high school levels, but guys act like IDIOTS in packs once they get into college. This is also known as a fraternity. Now, not all fraternities house these types of boys. This piece is extremely stereotypical (and 'possibly' biased...) and all mothers tell their daughters that there ARE guys out there that are exceptions to these rules. However, I have yet to meet one. I believe my mother bagged the one exemption. Oh, Generation X, how I wish everything was as simple as it was in 1984. We live in a completely different world than that of our mothers. So, when they give you advice, just smile and nod and say thank you. Then you're stuck to fend for yourself.

A lot of mothers never went to college, or a university, and simply married their high school sweetheart and had YOU. The moms that did get a higher education most likely found their husbands there, because twenty years ago and before, college was a good place to meet the person you would spend the rest of your life with. Less high school grads of the male species went through the 'retarded post high school' phase and were ready to settle down after declaring a major. Anymore, that is not the case. It's not very common to see college freshmen and sophomore boys 'in a relationship' anymore. This is the experimentation stage. Granted, a lot of guys do lose their virginity in high school. But they are probably very inexperienced, having less than three partners on average. In college, however, these numbers increase dramatically. College boys rotate girls in and out of their dorm rooms more than they change their underwear. (Which actually isn't often, so that may not be a good example...). It's as if they have a rolodex of women just waiting to be called upon whenever they feel the 'need for speed.' And where do they find these girls, you ask?

Why, parties, of course. You may be sickened at the fact that these college boys treat girls more like sexual playthings to be taken advantage of at their discretion, but we do it to ourselves, ladies. If you don't sleep with him, there's thirty more dancing half naked on the front lawn with a red plastic cup sloshing in every direction that he can pick up later. I'm CERTAINLY not advocating that you go ahead and sleep with him because 'saying no won't make a difference', I'm just laying it all out on the table for you. Maybe if college girls had more self respect and showed a little less cleavage than Pamela Anderson or less crotch than Lindsay Lohan, college guys would be slightly more apt to stick with one girl. At least at a time.

It seems like college students don't actually date anymore. It's quite a rare occurrence. People 'hook up' at parties, and 'see' each other for a while, with different people being 'seen' in between. If you meet a guy at a party and start talking, it's as if you are expected to make out with him before you leave if you are interested in him. If you don't comply, another girl will and you're out of the picture. Whatever happened to asking a girl out? Nobody does that anymore. Now if a guy likes you, he'll invite you to a party, where you'll 'hook up' later. Or if he does ask you out on a 'date-type' adventure, he brings his friends. That isn't awkward. Then you have to bring at least one of your friends (who probably does not want to be there) and if you really like the guy you have to make the friend leave later so you two can be alone. However, if you do this, expect to be involved in a minimum of a drunken makeout session; if you do not show any physical affection he assumes you are a prude, tells everyone he knows you are a prude (and that's putting it nicely), and he will not talk to you anymore. Although I don't know why you would want to.

If you are a college girl who does not drink, you are doomed to roam the earth single for the rest of your days. All college boys drink, and if you don't they will not like you. Alcohol loosens girls up, and they will do...interesting...things. Have you ever seen Girls Gone Wild? For some reason boys (of all ages) seem to enjoy it. Go figure. So, if you are in college and want a boyfriend- which is honestly highly unlikely- I'll rephrase, "want to hook up with a boy", you need to drink alcohol. I am not advising the consumption of alcohol by any means, I'm merely handing out some helpful information. Although it certainly isn't helpful to "me." I find it rather sad, personally.

Somewhere along the college route boys get an heir of conceit or arrogance about them. Not all, but there are a large number. College boys cannot cook, clean, do laundry, and most of them do not have jobs. They have nothing to be cocky about, so why the attitude? Just because you can play Guitar Hero blindfolded with your feet does not make you any better than anyone else. It actually makes you really stupid. Being a champion at beer pong does NOT prove anything. Only that you have wasted thousands of hours of your life handling balls. Plastic balls. Wearing a visor does not automatically make you cool. It means you're a dousche. If you text more than six girls at the same time, you are also a dousche. If you're white and you blare hard core rap music from your speakers (while wearing said visor) you look like a total idiot. And I will laugh at you. Real men don't wear jewelry, either. Just a wedding band. And since college guys are more scared of marriage than death, they should not wear any. P.S.- earrings are for GIRLS.

Also, saying profane things every other breath does not make you sound intelligent or more appealing to the opposite sex. You don't get to swear like a sailor unless you don the uniform- and look good in it. Slipping the "f" word in a sentence three times makes you sound trashy. No girl watches Jerry Springer and wishes any of those guys were her baby daddy. College guys like to use expletives to make themselves sound more 'grown up,' when actually it makes them sound more childish. I cannot think of a more romantic phrase than "D***, you're f****** hott." It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Or the PG version of "Oh, you're cuter than I thought you'd be."  (Yes, a guy actually said this to me. I have no idea if it was an insult, a backhanded compliment, or if he was just an intoxicated moron. Probably a combination of the three)

So, with the evidence I have provided, you can see that college guys are clearly undateable. If you are looking for a 'quick fix' with anything that can 'push your buttons' then by all means, RUN to the nearest university you can find. Otherwise, I'm afraid you need to scope out a different market. Until a radical change occurs (in both college males AND females) this is the hand you have to work with, and maybe someday society will revert back to a time when a twenty-one year old guy will open your car door for you, pay for your dinner with a smile, and drop you off at your doorstep without so much as a kiss goodnight, and he'll still be just as crazy about you (and ONLY you) as he was at first sight.

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