Allow me to introduce myself....

Are you a high school grad that has been spurned by the male sex on every occasion you can ever think of? Have you ever read Twilight and cried because you realized no human man could ever be like that? Have your dreams of becoming a wife and mother been smoldered into dust? Well you are not alone. I am by no means a feminist, but I do believe that women are the superior sex. Granted, there are some of us out there that you just wish would throw on a bra and duct tape their mouths shut, but we can't all be astronaut Barbie. Some of us have to be push the button and say only three phrases Barbie. Complete with matching accessories! However, it is unfortunate how many of us end up becoming total slut Barbie, whose underwear is not included. Why do we end up like this in the first place?


They're stupid, and yet they're everywhere. To a college boy a girl is just one of thousands of giggling, beer chugging bimbos that litter the campus with their cleavage and butterfly tattoos. College boys don't have girlfriends, they have clientele. All of the female variety. And now with facebook and cell phones it's entirely too easy to keep tabs on an astonishing number of their Victoria's Secret clad regulars. Are we reduced to simply waiting for our turn for a roll in the sac every couple of weeks while he 'tends to other customers' in the meantime? Whatever happened to going steady? Or better yet, finding your spouse in college? Does anyone even do that anymore? Has college turned into some perverse polyandric playground? Well that's what I'm here to tell you. It has become more and more apparent to me that the college male is completely and utterly undateable, and I'm going to do my darndest to tell you why.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Nerds vs. Jocks

I realized during the "You Might be a Douschebag" segment that some of those things (while pitifully hilarious) were not actually things just a douschebag would do. I'm not saying douschebags can't and don't do those things, but some of the items were more 'I'm a twelve-year-old pokemon expert trapped in a nineteen-year-old's body' examples rather than of the player/frat boy variety. You know, the Harvard Hottie that dresses sloppy casual yet still manages to look expensive at the same time? The guy that drives a sports car worth more than your house and wears Sperry's on his "not peticured" but actually peticured feet? THESE guys are the ones that have a revolving door to their bedroom, because let's face it ladies, it's hard to resist. I kind of clump the preppies, jocks, and general d-bags (the good-looking jerks without any money) all in one category- the users. These guys are varying degrees of attractiveness yet all have one thing in common- not settling down. They frequent a lot of one night stands and waking up with their heads over a frilly pink toilet with a box of tampons next to their feet. Classy. Let's go through the various types-

We have the traditional preppy boy that dresses better than you do and has eyes that simply melt your soul, complemented by a windswept mane of beautiful hair and a flawless smile. Sigh...  It's too bad that once he opens his mouth all that comes out is "Dude! That was f****** sick!" and he takes a swig from the two day old can of red bull in his hand while texting four girls with his iPhone in the other. Pass.

Then we have the sports god- who either plays for the school or is so wrapped up in intramurals he wears his jersey to class with a dirty sweatband. Yes, they are beautiful, the rugged/athletic type, but they are probably really, really stupid. You can't have brains and brawn. Not to mention the fact that he has slept with more people than live in your building. You're not the only one that finds him attractive. Your whole floor finds him attractive. It's too bad he can't spell attractive. Or gonorrhea. Which he most likely has.

Now we come to the party guy. He doesn't have money, or athleticism, but he has beer. Beer for all my minions! He is wasted nearly twenty-four hours a day, and knows almost just as much about drugs as a pharmacist. The only thing that separates him from the homeless is the fact that he's good-looking. Why, even in a puke-stained toga that displays half of his ass you still want to jump his bones. He showers maybe weekly and eats discarded McDonald's wrappers he finds in the quad. He is the "transition piece" between the so- called "nerds and the jocks" that I have grouped together. Actually, there are two types of the 'party guy,' and the second one takes us nicely into the Nerd Zone.

Party guy number two is NOT attractive, but what he lacks in physicality he makes up for with an outrageous personality. Everyone loves Jon Belushi from Animal House, right? Well this dousche tries to emulate this character's lifestyle so you'll love him, too. Usually acne ridden and overweight, this guy wears a multitude of graphic tee shirts and will do anything if his name is chanted. Anything. He may be fortunate enough to hang out with the Harvard Hotties, but he doesn't get the caliber of women that they do. Sloppy seconds is his forte, and there's more hair on his face and body than a sasquatch. And it's usually sweaty.

Okay, so now we're getting into the undateable for BLATANLY obvious reasons. Let's begin with the unattractive college boy that is so immature he still goes to the beauty shop with his mother. (Yes, I know someone who does this). She is not elderly and in need of accompaniment to the hair salon, she is middle aged and paying for their mother-son haircuts because he has no job. Hold me back, girls, I'm dying to get a piece of that. This is usually the funny guy. He tries to distract you from his shortcomings with humor, because he has no personality, nothing pleasing to look at, no intelligence, and no money. This is the most dangerous nerd of all. Rich nerds (from this point forward, "nerd" is going to refer to a homely boy of below average attractiveness) have money, therefore piquing their rate of dateability. He may love Star Wars, but if you pick him, he'll make you his Princess Leia in a heartbeat with a twenty million dollar house in the Hamptons to compensate. The intelligent nerd will one day become the rich nerd, so he will bide his time until his late twenties when gold diggers will come out of the woodwork to be the next Mrs. Bill Gates. Argyle sweater may not be included. So what's so dangerous about the funny nerd?

The funny nerd has NOTHING to offer you, but will suck you in with his wit and charm and weasel his way into your heart. No, he does not have a plethora of sorority girls to hop from bed to bed; he targets one unsuspecting girl, they start out as friends, and then before you know it he's got you hooked. Why? Because he's the ONLY applicant on our list that commits himself to a relationship. And by the time you've been through all the other pricks listed above, you're willing to settle for anything. So why is this a bad thing? Because he's STILL completely undateable, just as much if not more so than the other types. What....? Let me explain:

All college boys are immature. They just are; it can't be helped. However, there are varying degrees. The funny nerd is the lowest of the low. His maturity level ranks between fifth and sixth grader. Just about the age where boys learn to "do it themselves." And these guys get stuck there. Have you ever seen the movie Jack with Robin Williams? He's over forty years old, but he has the mind of a ten year old. That's kind of what dating the funny nerd is like. When they're with their friends it's exactly like an episode of Beavis and Butthead. The annoying laughter reverberates continuously until you want to shoot something in the face. Or kick somebody in the nads. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is like a day in the life of the funny guy, along with a generic humorless version of Wayne's World with acne. The sad thing about this loser is that he doesn't know he's a loser. But not only does he NOT know he's a loser, he thinks he's really really cool. Making it even more sad.

Things the funny nerd thinks are cool:

Stabbing an aerosol can with a knife
Filling a condom with lotion and hiding it in a roomate's coat
Dragonball Z
Quoting every line ever spoken from Family Guy and giggling as if he made it up himself
Dancing to Techno
Drinking seventeen cans of soda a day
Online role-playing games that involve superheroes or medieval characters
Owning a Batman belt buckle
Stealing as many ketchup bottles from a restaurant as you can because you can't afford it
Hair gel
Japanese Anime
Shopping with his mother
Harry Potter Mandals
Man scarves
Fantasizing about Chuck Norris
Pretending to be a pirate
Making out with a fourteen year old at Wendy's
Burying cans in the woods for safekeeping
Breaking your foot while impersonating a ninja
Pooping in a bag and letting it set in the fridge for a while
Mixing all your condiments together and chugging it infront of three other nerds and a fat girl
Glueing himself to things

You Might Be a Douschebag If....

If you talk to the same girl all night at a party while texting all of her friends at the same time to see which one is available later, you might be a douschebag.

If all you can EVER talk about is working out at the gym and how huge you are because of it, you might be a douschebag.

If you drink at least four nights a week and complain about how poor you are because you spent all your money on beer, you might be a douschebag. P.S.- buy ramen noodles, not red bull and vodka.

If you walk a girl back to her dorm and stay the night at the one across the hall, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear sunglasses after 6:00pm indoors, you might be a douschebag.

If you sleep with a girl and her roommate is staring wide eyed at the ceiling on the top bunk while you are making bizarre slurping and thumping noises underneath her, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear a shirt with the sleeves purposely cut out, accessorized with a visor- you might be a douschebag.

If the only funny stories you have to tell are about you banging some girl on the picnic table in front of your apartment or stabbing homeless guys with sporks after a huge bender, you might be a douschebag.

If you wear mandals eight months a year, you might be a douschebag.

If you have put sugar in your girlfriend's ex-roommate's gas tank and slashed her tires, you might be a douschebag.

If you have egged the neighborhood surrounding your apartment or pooped on a stranger's doorstep, you might be a douschebag.

If you have called a girl thinking she was someone else and invited her over for sex on your boat and didn't even feel embarrassed about it, you might be a douschebag.

If the above statement has happened to you multiple times, you might be a douschebag.

If more than ten people have seen your bare naked ass, you might be a douschebag.

If you frequently use the words, "dude", "bro", "dawg", and "word" you might be a douschebag. Or a total idiot.

If you think it's fun to stick random objects in the microwave to see what happens to them, including pubic hairs, urine, feces, toothpaste, your roommate's ipod, socks, a bobblehead of your school's mascot, the remote, thirteen pencils, and a can of shaving cream, you might be a douschebag.

I have discovered RIGHT at his moment that there are actually two types of college guys. I have to go for now, but I will post an elaborate sketch of the differences between these two types and why both of them are highly undateable. If this segment gets lots of comments I will post a "You Might Be a Douschebag If Part 2"

How it Begins


Have you ever noticed the differences between high school boys, college boys, and guys out of college? While only a mere few years apart, there are SUBSTANTIAL distinctions in their attitudes and behaviors. For example:

High school boys have girlfriends. They WANT girlfriends. This is a goal of theirs. All the popular guys have pretty girlfriends (that, let's face it, probably put out) which sets the standard for all the other guys. It seems like everyone in high school wants to be a part of a couple. There's always a beautiful glowing clique of girls and boys like something out of The Hills that all date each other interchangeably while wearing expensive clothes their parents bought them and stashed in their brand new (insert current year here) red Mustang. Clearly, the other high school boys envy this and try to emulate these standards set by the country club elite. In addition to this, there are a multitude of 'couple-themed' functions throughout one's high school career. Sadie Hawkins, Homecoming, Mistletoe, Prom, and any other multitude of dances that basically require female accompaniment. Don't the rules that govern high school social behavior state that if one attends one of these functions solo that they are, in fact, a loser? I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

So, if you are a high school girl who is not a whore, take advantage of this situation- because guys at this stage of the game are looking for one girl that they a) find attractive  b) respect   and   c) genuinely enjoy spending time with to attend said functions with. If you are not a high school girl, like myself, I am very sorry to inform you that you must become a slut to gain any type of male attention from your peers. Unless you wish to date a boy five years your junior. Not ideal, but beggars can't be choosers. You see, somewhere between high school graduation and freshman orientation for college, a shift in attitude occurs in males. Most high school 'power couples' break up during this time (no one marries their high school sweetheart anymore, what is this, 1950?) and boys revert back to a bizarre stage of extreme immaturity. Yes, high school boys were already immature- throwing things at each other in the cafeteria to 'show off' and making general idiots of themselves with random horseplay in the classroom, but they would somewhat conceal this behavior in front of the girlfriend because high school females are much more mature than their male counterparts at this stage of development. At this age we girls tend to think about two out of five acts of immaturity are actually amusing, unless you're the class bimbo that laughs at anything a boy does, like draw a fake mustache on his face in permanent marker during algebra or set his hand on fire with germ-x and extinguish it with a can of pepsi.

However, teenage girls 'love' their boyfriends anyway because, well, who else is there in a school with so little variety? By the time high school ends it doesn't matter anyway, because the relationship is put to an end (by either party) and the ex-boyfriend uses this time to 'find himself'- meaning he REALLY discovers the effects of alcohol and does something illegal at least once a week, which can include but is not limited to: making a homemade explosive and blowing up a dead animal in the woods, stealing orange construction cones at 1:00 in the morning, streaking through the park, purposely setting his bathroom on fire to 'clean it', dressing up like a superhero for no reason, putting cats in random neighbors' mailboxes, seeing how long he can go without brushing his teeth, playing xbox for seventy three consecutive hours, and spending three hundred dollars or more in Spencer's after stealing a lacy thong from Victoria's Secret. And WE are supposed to swoon??

After this vile summer of retardedness, which can range from mild to severe, I'm afraid it doesn't get much better. They say girls go everywhere in packs, and this is true for the most part at the jr. high and high school levels, but guys act like IDIOTS in packs once they get into college. This is also known as a fraternity. Now, not all fraternities house these types of boys. This piece is extremely stereotypical (and 'possibly' biased...) and all mothers tell their daughters that there ARE guys out there that are exceptions to these rules. However, I have yet to meet one. I believe my mother bagged the one exemption. Oh, Generation X, how I wish everything was as simple as it was in 1984. We live in a completely different world than that of our mothers. So, when they give you advice, just smile and nod and say thank you. Then you're stuck to fend for yourself.

A lot of mothers never went to college, or a university, and simply married their high school sweetheart and had YOU. The moms that did get a higher education most likely found their husbands there, because twenty years ago and before, college was a good place to meet the person you would spend the rest of your life with. Less high school grads of the male species went through the 'retarded post high school' phase and were ready to settle down after declaring a major. Anymore, that is not the case. It's not very common to see college freshmen and sophomore boys 'in a relationship' anymore. This is the experimentation stage. Granted, a lot of guys do lose their virginity in high school. But they are probably very inexperienced, having less than three partners on average. In college, however, these numbers increase dramatically. College boys rotate girls in and out of their dorm rooms more than they change their underwear. (Which actually isn't often, so that may not be a good example...). It's as if they have a rolodex of women just waiting to be called upon whenever they feel the 'need for speed.' And where do they find these girls, you ask?

Why, parties, of course. You may be sickened at the fact that these college boys treat girls more like sexual playthings to be taken advantage of at their discretion, but we do it to ourselves, ladies. If you don't sleep with him, there's thirty more dancing half naked on the front lawn with a red plastic cup sloshing in every direction that he can pick up later. I'm CERTAINLY not advocating that you go ahead and sleep with him because 'saying no won't make a difference', I'm just laying it all out on the table for you. Maybe if college girls had more self respect and showed a little less cleavage than Pamela Anderson or less crotch than Lindsay Lohan, college guys would be slightly more apt to stick with one girl. At least at a time.

It seems like college students don't actually date anymore. It's quite a rare occurrence. People 'hook up' at parties, and 'see' each other for a while, with different people being 'seen' in between. If you meet a guy at a party and start talking, it's as if you are expected to make out with him before you leave if you are interested in him. If you don't comply, another girl will and you're out of the picture. Whatever happened to asking a girl out? Nobody does that anymore. Now if a guy likes you, he'll invite you to a party, where you'll 'hook up' later. Or if he does ask you out on a 'date-type' adventure, he brings his friends. That isn't awkward. Then you have to bring at least one of your friends (who probably does not want to be there) and if you really like the guy you have to make the friend leave later so you two can be alone. However, if you do this, expect to be involved in a minimum of a drunken makeout session; if you do not show any physical affection he assumes you are a prude, tells everyone he knows you are a prude (and that's putting it nicely), and he will not talk to you anymore. Although I don't know why you would want to.

If you are a college girl who does not drink, you are doomed to roam the earth single for the rest of your days. All college boys drink, and if you don't they will not like you. Alcohol loosens girls up, and they will do...interesting...things. Have you ever seen Girls Gone Wild? For some reason boys (of all ages) seem to enjoy it. Go figure. So, if you are in college and want a boyfriend- which is honestly highly unlikely- I'll rephrase, "want to hook up with a boy", you need to drink alcohol. I am not advising the consumption of alcohol by any means, I'm merely handing out some helpful information. Although it certainly isn't helpful to "me." I find it rather sad, personally.

Somewhere along the college route boys get an heir of conceit or arrogance about them. Not all, but there are a large number. College boys cannot cook, clean, do laundry, and most of them do not have jobs. They have nothing to be cocky about, so why the attitude? Just because you can play Guitar Hero blindfolded with your feet does not make you any better than anyone else. It actually makes you really stupid. Being a champion at beer pong does NOT prove anything. Only that you have wasted thousands of hours of your life handling balls. Plastic balls. Wearing a visor does not automatically make you cool. It means you're a dousche. If you text more than six girls at the same time, you are also a dousche. If you're white and you blare hard core rap music from your speakers (while wearing said visor) you look like a total idiot. And I will laugh at you. Real men don't wear jewelry, either. Just a wedding band. And since college guys are more scared of marriage than death, they should not wear any. P.S.- earrings are for GIRLS.

Also, saying profane things every other breath does not make you sound intelligent or more appealing to the opposite sex. You don't get to swear like a sailor unless you don the uniform- and look good in it. Slipping the "f" word in a sentence three times makes you sound trashy. No girl watches Jerry Springer and wishes any of those guys were her baby daddy. College guys like to use expletives to make themselves sound more 'grown up,' when actually it makes them sound more childish. I cannot think of a more romantic phrase than "D***, you're f****** hott." It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Or the PG version of "Oh, you're cuter than I thought you'd be."  (Yes, a guy actually said this to me. I have no idea if it was an insult, a backhanded compliment, or if he was just an intoxicated moron. Probably a combination of the three)

So, with the evidence I have provided, you can see that college guys are clearly undateable. If you are looking for a 'quick fix' with anything that can 'push your buttons' then by all means, RUN to the nearest university you can find. Otherwise, I'm afraid you need to scope out a different market. Until a radical change occurs (in both college males AND females) this is the hand you have to work with, and maybe someday society will revert back to a time when a twenty-one year old guy will open your car door for you, pay for your dinner with a smile, and drop you off at your doorstep without so much as a kiss goodnight, and he'll still be just as crazy about you (and ONLY you) as he was at first sight.