Allow me to introduce myself....

Are you a high school grad that has been spurned by the male sex on every occasion you can ever think of? Have you ever read Twilight and cried because you realized no human man could ever be like that? Have your dreams of becoming a wife and mother been smoldered into dust? Well you are not alone. I am by no means a feminist, but I do believe that women are the superior sex. Granted, there are some of us out there that you just wish would throw on a bra and duct tape their mouths shut, but we can't all be astronaut Barbie. Some of us have to be push the button and say only three phrases Barbie. Complete with matching accessories! However, it is unfortunate how many of us end up becoming total slut Barbie, whose underwear is not included. Why do we end up like this in the first place?


They're stupid, and yet they're everywhere. To a college boy a girl is just one of thousands of giggling, beer chugging bimbos that litter the campus with their cleavage and butterfly tattoos. College boys don't have girlfriends, they have clientele. All of the female variety. And now with facebook and cell phones it's entirely too easy to keep tabs on an astonishing number of their Victoria's Secret clad regulars. Are we reduced to simply waiting for our turn for a roll in the sac every couple of weeks while he 'tends to other customers' in the meantime? Whatever happened to going steady? Or better yet, finding your spouse in college? Does anyone even do that anymore? Has college turned into some perverse polyandric playground? Well that's what I'm here to tell you. It has become more and more apparent to me that the college male is completely and utterly undateable, and I'm going to do my darndest to tell you why.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Nerds vs. Jocks

I realized during the "You Might be a Douschebag" segment that some of those things (while pitifully hilarious) were not actually things just a douschebag would do. I'm not saying douschebags can't and don't do those things, but some of the items were more 'I'm a twelve-year-old pokemon expert trapped in a nineteen-year-old's body' examples rather than of the player/frat boy variety. You know, the Harvard Hottie that dresses sloppy casual yet still manages to look expensive at the same time? The guy that drives a sports car worth more than your house and wears Sperry's on his "not peticured" but actually peticured feet? THESE guys are the ones that have a revolving door to their bedroom, because let's face it ladies, it's hard to resist. I kind of clump the preppies, jocks, and general d-bags (the good-looking jerks without any money) all in one category- the users. These guys are varying degrees of attractiveness yet all have one thing in common- not settling down. They frequent a lot of one night stands and waking up with their heads over a frilly pink toilet with a box of tampons next to their feet. Classy. Let's go through the various types-

We have the traditional preppy boy that dresses better than you do and has eyes that simply melt your soul, complemented by a windswept mane of beautiful hair and a flawless smile. Sigh...  It's too bad that once he opens his mouth all that comes out is "Dude! That was f****** sick!" and he takes a swig from the two day old can of red bull in his hand while texting four girls with his iPhone in the other. Pass.

Then we have the sports god- who either plays for the school or is so wrapped up in intramurals he wears his jersey to class with a dirty sweatband. Yes, they are beautiful, the rugged/athletic type, but they are probably really, really stupid. You can't have brains and brawn. Not to mention the fact that he has slept with more people than live in your building. You're not the only one that finds him attractive. Your whole floor finds him attractive. It's too bad he can't spell attractive. Or gonorrhea. Which he most likely has.

Now we come to the party guy. He doesn't have money, or athleticism, but he has beer. Beer for all my minions! He is wasted nearly twenty-four hours a day, and knows almost just as much about drugs as a pharmacist. The only thing that separates him from the homeless is the fact that he's good-looking. Why, even in a puke-stained toga that displays half of his ass you still want to jump his bones. He showers maybe weekly and eats discarded McDonald's wrappers he finds in the quad. He is the "transition piece" between the so- called "nerds and the jocks" that I have grouped together. Actually, there are two types of the 'party guy,' and the second one takes us nicely into the Nerd Zone.

Party guy number two is NOT attractive, but what he lacks in physicality he makes up for with an outrageous personality. Everyone loves Jon Belushi from Animal House, right? Well this dousche tries to emulate this character's lifestyle so you'll love him, too. Usually acne ridden and overweight, this guy wears a multitude of graphic tee shirts and will do anything if his name is chanted. Anything. He may be fortunate enough to hang out with the Harvard Hotties, but he doesn't get the caliber of women that they do. Sloppy seconds is his forte, and there's more hair on his face and body than a sasquatch. And it's usually sweaty.

Okay, so now we're getting into the undateable for BLATANLY obvious reasons. Let's begin with the unattractive college boy that is so immature he still goes to the beauty shop with his mother. (Yes, I know someone who does this). She is not elderly and in need of accompaniment to the hair salon, she is middle aged and paying for their mother-son haircuts because he has no job. Hold me back, girls, I'm dying to get a piece of that. This is usually the funny guy. He tries to distract you from his shortcomings with humor, because he has no personality, nothing pleasing to look at, no intelligence, and no money. This is the most dangerous nerd of all. Rich nerds (from this point forward, "nerd" is going to refer to a homely boy of below average attractiveness) have money, therefore piquing their rate of dateability. He may love Star Wars, but if you pick him, he'll make you his Princess Leia in a heartbeat with a twenty million dollar house in the Hamptons to compensate. The intelligent nerd will one day become the rich nerd, so he will bide his time until his late twenties when gold diggers will come out of the woodwork to be the next Mrs. Bill Gates. Argyle sweater may not be included. So what's so dangerous about the funny nerd?

The funny nerd has NOTHING to offer you, but will suck you in with his wit and charm and weasel his way into your heart. No, he does not have a plethora of sorority girls to hop from bed to bed; he targets one unsuspecting girl, they start out as friends, and then before you know it he's got you hooked. Why? Because he's the ONLY applicant on our list that commits himself to a relationship. And by the time you've been through all the other pricks listed above, you're willing to settle for anything. So why is this a bad thing? Because he's STILL completely undateable, just as much if not more so than the other types. What....? Let me explain:

All college boys are immature. They just are; it can't be helped. However, there are varying degrees. The funny nerd is the lowest of the low. His maturity level ranks between fifth and sixth grader. Just about the age where boys learn to "do it themselves." And these guys get stuck there. Have you ever seen the movie Jack with Robin Williams? He's over forty years old, but he has the mind of a ten year old. That's kind of what dating the funny nerd is like. When they're with their friends it's exactly like an episode of Beavis and Butthead. The annoying laughter reverberates continuously until you want to shoot something in the face. Or kick somebody in the nads. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is like a day in the life of the funny guy, along with a generic humorless version of Wayne's World with acne. The sad thing about this loser is that he doesn't know he's a loser. But not only does he NOT know he's a loser, he thinks he's really really cool. Making it even more sad.

Things the funny nerd thinks are cool:

Stabbing an aerosol can with a knife
Filling a condom with lotion and hiding it in a roomate's coat
Dragonball Z
Quoting every line ever spoken from Family Guy and giggling as if he made it up himself
Dancing to Techno
Drinking seventeen cans of soda a day
Online role-playing games that involve superheroes or medieval characters
Owning a Batman belt buckle
Stealing as many ketchup bottles from a restaurant as you can because you can't afford it
Hair gel
Japanese Anime
Shopping with his mother
Harry Potter Mandals
Man scarves
Fantasizing about Chuck Norris
Pretending to be a pirate
Making out with a fourteen year old at Wendy's
Burying cans in the woods for safekeeping
Breaking your foot while impersonating a ninja
Pooping in a bag and letting it set in the fridge for a while
Mixing all your condiments together and chugging it infront of three other nerds and a fat girl
Glueing himself to things


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. You're a cunt. I think I'll put you into the group with the other cunts.